Friday, January 6, 2012
Dear whomever is reading,
Current time: 4:37am, current song playing on my laptop: Let Me Know – The Audition, current people I am talking to: no one.
Insomnia. It’s starting to get really old. I can sleep for at most 4 hours a day. I’m tired, and not physically tired, but emotionally tired. This whole not sleeping thing has caused me to do things to myself that I wish I could take back. What happened between my “best friend” and I really hit me hard about a couple weeks ago. I lost someone else in my life well actually I lost about 5 people. It really started sinking in and it hurt, a lot. So, I cut myself. I have only done that once before and I told myself I would never do it again. Looks like I was wrong. I probably would have never done it if I was thinking clearly, not sleeping isn’t really helping me with thinking things through. Or maybe it’s making me think too much? At this point I’m not too sure about anything anymore.
“If we’re gunna make it, please you gotta let me know” Lyrics from the song I am listening to. I tend to listen to much that matches the situations that I am in. (but then again, who doesn’t?) This song suits my current situation with Nik. He is the guy that I was talking about in my previous entry. The one that ended things with me and now we are working through things. We seem to be okay, I mean he tells me he loves me, he misses me when he isn’t with me and calls me all those cute pet names that he did when we were together. The only thing is I feel like I am the only one that is putting in any effort into trying to make us work. I’m confused, frustrated and very, very much in love. I have talked to him about this and he says he is taking things slow. I just don’t know how long I can wait around for him to make up his mind. He either wants to be with me again or he doesn’t. But, for now, I’m not giving up on us. I probably wont for a long time.
Today, well I guess it was technically yesterday, was a some what decent day. I actually decided to get myself off the couch, shower and do something with myself. Went shopping and then went out for supper with my best friend. It was actually just what I needed. I think we both needed it. Since we both aren’t with the guys that we want right now, its nice knowing that we still have each other. This girl is actually an amazing friend. She is one of the few that have stuck around, she even moved 6 hours away from me but ended up coming back and am I ever so happy that I still have her in my life. I can tell her anything and I know that I can trust her.
BUT, enough with the mushy stuff, it is noq 5:03am and I think I am going to wrap this entry up, go for a smoke and try to sleep again. Goodnight to whomever is reading. Much love.
